Its funny, I usually use this blog to post stuff I make but since hardly anyone reads it I thought I could use it to sound off about aging.. I hate it, don't we all lol..
My daughter said to me the other day, 'mum if something happens to dad you are going to be a lonely old woman'.. You know I cant seem to get that statement out of my head.. I thought why would I be 'a lonely old woman', I do have some friends thought to be honest I cant say I have really close 'close' friends.
I have tons of acquaintances, I do have family, though I'm not really that close to many of them. I have my studio and my crafts. I love reading, have tons of movies I love watching. I love learning new things. I love visits from the kids and grandkids and I teach classes.
And then I figured most of these things are 'alone' activities. Will I be lonely, maybe, sometimes but I like my own company, I rarely get bored, I want to watch another thousand movies, I want to read another thousand books, I want to create a thousand new things, I want to learn a thousand new crafts and art.. If that means I will be on my own then does it matter if I am happy!!!
And yet the statement still goes around and around in my head arrrhh..
A few years ago I loved my life, I loved my job, I looked pretty good for my age (so I was told), I enjoyed my life, I was a happy person, I had huge plans and then I was assaulted at work and didn't think I was going to get out of the unit alive but I did, even if I had to crawl along the ground to do so..
That did something to me, I had a nervous breakdown, had all sorts of treatment and changed as a person. I was no longer 'her', instead I was 'born' ... worn out, wary, nervous, old - not only in looks but in mind as well. I couldn't bare to look at the photos I had taken of me just before the Incident (as I refer to the assault), so I took them off the wall and hid them away.
Is that the wrong thing to do, to hide who I was; that person whom I liked , who enjoyed life so much and seemed to find joy in most things.. They say you cant change things, You cant go back to who you were so you have to live with what and who you are now, well sometimes I find it hard to be this person. I do want to go back!!
My kids say I am getting grumpy and bitter in my old age but hell I have had some doozie hassles in my time. I was thinking about writing a book maybe I might do that on here instead.. I could do chapters and call it 'What The Hell'. Mmm something to think about anyway..
Ok I might finish moaning now, I'm starting to feel tired so I will say to anyone who got this far reading this dribble.. thank you I appreciate your time.